Some things I've said while preparing to move across Canada

OH HI.

Did you miss me?

Jumping right in:

1) "We don't need to take all those hangers home. No, we don't. NO. I am not making room in the Jeep for fifty clothes hangers. Fifty scarves, absolutely, but hangers, HELL NO."

2) "The longer I stand in this tiny shower, the more it begins to feel like a cage of wet. A CAGE OF WET. It's like I'm a cat, and it's early, and I hate water, and now I'm trapped in this horrible CAGE full of WET."

3) "Did you know that we have four kinds of vinegar and also roughly 12 kinds of shampoo? Do you think that's normal? No? Maybe I'm some kind of cheating whore when it comes to vinegar and hair products?"

4) "We are not bringing your 'bottle of ocean' back to Ontario. No. Because it's not a 'bottle of ocean'. That, my dear, is an old water bottle that you filled with stanky ocean harbour water. You've given it sentimental value and I HATE YOU FOR IT."

5) "So I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stay at that motel I booked. There are no pictures of the rooms online. And it's called "The Beaver Motor Motel". Northern Ontario sucks and I'm pretty sure I'm going to be murdered there. By a beaver."

6) "Oh, let's see... how was my night... OH. I had a breakdown where I cried because my glasses are all scratched up. So then I Googled ways to make the scratches less visible. Then I rubbed toothpaste all over my glasses because that's what the internet said. It didn't work. My glasses are minty fresh but they're still covered in scratches and now MY EYES ARE BURNING."

7) "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. No. No. NO. We are not going to couch surf at your coworker's cousin's house. Because it's insane. What would we do, show up in the middle of the night and be like 'OH HEEEEY. My mother works with your cousin from Ontario that you hardly know. Let us into your home!' We've already agreed to stay overnight with one of dad's buddies from university- I think that's enough awkward for one road trip, okay?"

8) "Why are you laughing so hard? Oh. You sprayed whipped cream directly into your mouth. That's hilarious, sweetie, really. I'm seriously impressed. You're so attractive. I love you. NO, STOP. STOP SPRAYING IT INTO YOUR MOUTH. NO MORE. I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS."

9) "Yes. I was alone all day long so I ate the cookies. Packing stresses me out, okay? I am not sorry."

10) "I brought the scissors with me as a weapon. Stop laughing! I was looking at scary things on the internet when you called me to come and pick you up, so on my way out the door I grabbed the scissors. It's dark and stormy out! Scissors would be useful if I ran into a bad guy! ... Well, no, I don't think I could actually stab anyone, but I could probably stab a bear. Or, better yet, since they're scissors, if I came across a bear I'd be like, SNIP SNIP, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU DON'T HAVE EARS ANYMORE!"

Much love,

P.S. I would never actually cut off an animal's ears. I swear.