Wednesday, November 14, 2012

And then there was a list and something about velour pants

1) You know how sometimes, you want exactly what you don't have, and you want it in the worst way, but then once you actually have that thing you're kind of like "Oh. Shit. I clearly just wanted that particular thing because I DIDN'T HAVE IT RIGHT THAT SECOND."? You guys. Being home is kind of like that.
2) I say "kind of", though, because in some ways, being home is marvelous and right and home. I had no idea how much I'd missed visiting and chasing The Prince's youngest brother (he's 10) up the stairs to the bathroom to start an epic teeth-brushing race. NO IDEA.
3) The drive across the country was mostly awesome. By that, I mean The Prince is still alive and he also still loves me (I think). Both of those things were put at high risk during that trip: Life & Love = IN SERIOUS DANGER. That's just what long roadtrips do, or, well, what I'd been told they do. In reality, we had a lot of fun, lost our audio-book virginities, ate a lot of pretzels and went pee in a lot of gas station bathrooms.
4) The one major hitch with our trip was the day we came across BOULDERS on the Trans-Canada highway before the sun had even come up. The Prince swerved the Jeep to miss the first bunch, then, of course, hit a huge one. The rock destroyed two tires and two rims, and we were 50 kilometres from the nearest tire shop. Please take a second to cry at the expense of that crap on my behalf. The full hysterics of this event should really be a whole post, so sit tight. For now, let me start by saying that there was a lot of "How have we managed to entirely avoid hitting any moose, and then, wait a second, no, FUCK YOU, EXHAUSTED TRAVELLERS, here's a BOULDER. In the middle of the ROAD. Beause I'm the Trans-Canada and I'm HILARIOUS. And there's no cell service, because fuck you even more."
5) The Prince and I have started new jobs. We both work at the same company now, and oh goodness can you even imagine. I've already made sure that all of our coworkers are aware that A) I wear the pants in this relationship and also B) I'm the funny one.
6) We are living in limbo. We spend most nights at The Prince's parents' house, mostly because we're allowed to be in the same bed there. We're not allowed to be alone in the same room together at my parents' house, let alone the same BED. Also, my dad refuses to heat our house properly because he's a jerkstore, so my choices for sleep are 1) Become an icicle or 2) Cuddle with The Prince. Seems like an easy choice, right? You'd think so, but toss in The Prince's awful cold that's been working as a premium-grade SNORING AMPLIFIER and you've got a whole other thing goin' on.

7) I went to our small town's new WalMart last night at 10:45pm while wearing velour sweat-like pants, a paint-speckled hoodie that says "HOCKEY" on the back of it and a plaid pair of slippers. I am fashionable as fuck.

Lots of love,


  1. The hubs and I always end up fighting on road trips. He expects me to pay attention to the road instead of singing with the radio...that's what TomTom's for! A BOULDER?! WTF?!

  2. I've missed your antics! Glad to hear your road trip went, mostly, well. I'm curious to hear more about it :) xo

  3. So glad you're back, you're safe, and that they know what's up at the new job because you ARE the funny one!! Do they call him Prince Harry yet? Please say yes.

  4. Thank the freaking lord above that you are back. Goodness how I have missed these stories.

    A) Why the hell are boulders falling. I mean I've seen beware of falling rocks signs before but there's always a net thing over them.

    B) You most certainly ARE the funny one.

    C) My parents are the same exact way about heat. Except we don't live in Canada and they tell me to put on more clothes than no pants.

    D) Did your dad have meat waiting for Prince?

    E) Thank you for coming back to me. Just thank you

  5. I missed you! Don't leave again...It makes people sad. And I can't sleep with boyfriend at his parent's house either so I know how you feel. Glad you're back!

  6. it's about bloody time you wrote a post!! missed you E

  7. Get a mullet haircut and a few tattoos to go with the slippers and you'll fit right in at Walmart. Oh, except you might need to add a camouflage hoodie and a baby wearing only a diaper.

  8. I'm really glad you survived the move. It sounds terrible and epic. Also, you aren't allowed to share a room? That's just sad right there. I hope you find more permanent digs very soon.

    I'm sure you were still one of the better-dressed people in that Wal-Mart, despite everything. Wal-Mart brings out the inherent white trash in all humans.

  9. You have been missed oh so very much!! Glad to hear you are all ok, but we need to know more about this boulder situation!!!! hope your able to get your own place very soon!! haha and i love the walmart story!! in the uk people are banned from wearing their pyjamas in Tesco (a big supermarket) quite hilarious! although you would totally still get in their by what you were wearing.... I think! :P

    Jen xxx

  10. So you're saying we should be able to see a picture of you in said outfit on People of Walmart soon. Yes?

  11. Yay for long and dangerous road trips!!! And YAY for reading your posts again!!!!!!! Can't wait for the boulder story in detail :)

  12. You have no idea the excitement that I had when I saw your blog today! Because I'm like where the heckfire is my favorite fiesty blogger friend? AND HERE YOU ARE!

    Sorry about your car! =[ shitty. One time, we were driving to Seattle and they were blowing up boulders along the highway and stopped traffic at like 5:00. At night. We all stopped our cars and got out and wandered around on the highway for like 2 hours. Because I definitely think that explosives and boulders belong on highly populated highways.

    I can't wait to hear more of the story because I know it'll make me laugh my ass off. Also, yay for working together!!! I loved working with Evan but only because I'm clingy and needy. Jk but Srsly.

  13. Can't sleep in the same room at your parents house? hum it's probably those Jesus sandals your dad wears that won't allow it! LMAO Still remember that awesome story! Glad to see your back!

  14. You're back! Yay! I was beginnign to worry about the horror stories of you and the Prince, and something about rabid moose. I really just don't know.

    Glad you guys made it safely! Also, take option 2, "obvi" (God I hate when people say that). Icicles are only cool when they're outside. Ha! No pun intended.

  15. I definitely pictured traveling through on asteroid field when you said there were boulders. That sucks immensely. And the parents thing, I definitely know how that is. My parents won't let G and I sleep in the same room. The one time we visited them he had to sleep on an air mattress in what used to be my brother's room. He didn't tell me the air mattress had a leak until we were back in Seattle.


Thanks for commenting, lovely human.