Monday, March 18, 2013

Some things I said last week

1) "I know I said I wanted a mixed fruit muffin, but now that I'm eating it, all I can think about is how much I want a banana muffin."

2) "You guys can't make fun of me for not realizing that she's pregnant! I'm the only female employee here who has never been pregnant! The rest of you know all the signs! You guys saw her boobs getting bigger and were all 'Ooooh we know what's up!' and for me, I was thinking more along the lines of 'Hmm. Must be a new push-up bra...'"

3) "Ugh. Tonight, I am going to a country music concert. THERE'S a thing I never thought I'd say. This will be a night that even vodka can't save."

4) "Sooooo today I lost my job, accidentally ate bacon in some dip aaaaaaand I just stepped in cat vomit FUCK MY LIFE."

5) "WHY would you tell me that I sound weird when I page people? You've just given me a complex! From this point on, whenever I have to page someone, my heart is going to race and I'm going to start sweating, and it'll be ALL YOUR FAULT."

6) "If you bring me an ice cream sandwich, I might let you watch Top Gear. Might."

7) "I can't count change. Really. Well, I can, but it would be best if you didn't watch me do it. Trust me, when I'm forced to count change or, worse yet, to give someone correct change, I freak out. I don't know why, considering I DID make it through the first grade."

8) "We were out until 2am last night. On a weeknight. Playing boardgames. BOARDGAMES."

9) "Well, the company I work for is closing, so all of the employees need to find new jobs. Some people have resolved to work productively until the last day we're in business, while others have resolved to be an hour late for work every morning and not give a single fuck. Guess which team I'm on, bitches."

10) "Did you just refer to me as being 'white girl wasted'? Why? I might be white, but I am so not wasted. I think I might throw up, though."

11) "I just ran into my best friend from the third grade... and she kissed me... on the mouth. Happy St. Patrick's Day, motherfuckers."

Yours truly,

17 comments:

  1. I adore your f-bomb riddled filthy mouth. You are ridiculously out of control and I love it!!

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  2. I love your post and so glad you are back!!!

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  3. Sorry about your job. Hopefully a better one will come along soon!

    Also... bacon was my vegetarian downfall. It's just so damn good.

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  4. I hate paging people. I really do. Sorry about your job. :(

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  5. So I mighttt have to move to Canada so I can be a part of these things when they happen.... Me and Chris will be BFFLs

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  6. Oh dear, so sorry to hear about the job! Congratulations on coming in late and not being productive, though. Totally the way to go. Have you taken a nap at work yet? Try it! I bet it's heavenly!

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  7. I missed your posts so much! You had better really be back and not just be posting once and then thinking it's okay to disappear for an indeterminate amount of time again. And I'm going to have to steal your "might" promise thing. And I might will mean that I definitely won't.

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  8. Sorry to hear about your job... and the country concert. I hope you made it out unharmed.

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  9. People still have pagers? Whut?!?

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  10. Haha love love your posts!!!
    http://www.misadventuresofamaneater.com/

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  11. Mannnn I miss your blog. And #9, it made me lol everywhere.

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  12. Hahaha... you are hilarious. Lovin your blog.

    Catherine (your newest follower)
    FEST

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  13. hahaha i love all of this. especially number 3 because that was me a few weeks ago. i'm a whiskey girl myself though. just found you through steele happy!

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  15. Sooo funny!! (New commenter) I love #2!

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Thanks for commenting, lovely human.