1) "I know I said I wanted a mixed fruit muffin, but now that I'm eating it, all I can think about is how much I want a banana muffin."
2) "You guys can't make fun of me for not realizing that she's pregnant! I'm the only female employee here who has never been pregnant! The rest of you know all the signs! You guys saw her boobs getting bigger and were all 'Ooooh we know what's up!' and for me, I was thinking more along the lines of 'Hmm. Must be a new push-up bra...'"
3) "Ugh. Tonight, I am going to a country music concert. THERE'S a thing I never thought I'd say. This will be a night that even vodka can't save."
4) "Sooooo today I lost my job, accidentally ate bacon in some dip aaaaaaand I just stepped in cat vomit FUCK MY LIFE."
5) "WHY would you tell me that I sound weird when I page people? You've just given me a complex! From this point on, whenever I have to page someone, my heart is going to race and I'm going to start sweating, and it'll be ALL YOUR FAULT."
6) "If you bring me an ice cream sandwich, I might let you watch Top Gear. Might."
7) "I can't count change. Really. Well, I can, but it would be best if you didn't watch me do it. Trust me, when I'm forced to count change or, worse yet, to give someone correct change, I freak out. I don't know why, considering I DID make it through the first grade."
8) "We were out until 2am last night. On a weeknight. Playing boardgames. BOARDGAMES."
9) "Well, the company I work for is closing, so all of the employees need to find new jobs. Some people have resolved to work productively until the last day we're in business, while others have resolved to be an hour late for work every morning and not give a single fuck. Guess which team I'm on, bitches."
10) "Did you just refer to me as being 'white girl wasted'? Why? I might be white, but I am so not wasted. I think I might throw up, though."
11) "I just ran into my best friend from the third grade... and she kissed me... on the mouth. Happy St. Patrick's Day, motherfuckers."